heart walk ~ 2010

dear gage,

did you know you have a following?

gage's groupies

did you know you have your own branding?

one saturday or so ago your family and friends met up early in the morning to walk a 5k in your honor for the american heart association.  team name :: gage's groupies.  pretty dang cool right?

aunt dana captured much with her camera and then she shared the photos with us so we could be sure to show you and tell you all about it.  

this is aunt dana.  aunt dana is married to uncle jason.  this is uncle jason.  uncle jason is your mommy's brother. but, you know that by now.

aunt dana took photos of all of us as we walked to the start line.   and then she took some more. 

see for yourself.

look at you with momma.  you love your momma.

nana, aunt amanda and kayleen

uncle jake doesn't hold you often. he says you always spit up on him.  but, he held you in this photo and guess what happened?  i think you're pretty funny.  

uncle jake, you, cousins cayden and gavin and of course, daddy

cousin brooklyn, me (auntie em) and you, sweet gage

your team was slowed down quite a bit by cousin gavin.  he really wanted to walk but, his legs aren't very long so there was a lot of waiting for gavin's party to catch up.

that there on the left is keri and there on the right, that's kerrisa.  she's pushing your friend payten in the stroller.

grandpa craig was there gage.  he was all geared out with his music ready to go.  do you know what he was listening to?  me neither.  let's remember to ask him, okay?

here you are gage, "the one with heart" about to cross the finish with daddy.  see, you're even wearing your walking shoes.

oh, you're so proud of your team. 

we're so proud of you gage.  you've been through so much and you're still all smiles.  i've been lucky enough to see you quite a bit lately and i can attest to the miraculous journey you've been through.  it's like your surgery never happened.  you're getting heavier and you're very close to sitting on your own.  won't that be fun?!

i love you gage.

mommy sent some new pictures my way today.  i'll post them for you very soon.

until then

xoxo

dear gage ~ love momma

Little Mister, momma believes in miracles! Two weeks, two days, and a few hours later, I lay here on the bed, just like I used to when daddy is gone, and you growl as you nuzzle your face into my neck. I love your growl. I have missed your ferocious little roar. My favorite however, is when I growl back, and you giggle. You giggle, followed by a sigh. I like to think you are thinking “awe, this is the life,” because I sure am!

Your first week home from the hospital was hard. I couldn’t hold my baby like I wanted to. And if that wasn’t hard enough, when I did hold you, you cried for hours on end. It wasn’t your normal whimper telling me your were tired. It was a painful. “momma I am hurting,” kinda cry. It hurt to watch. It hurt me to hold you. I would call daddy crying that I couldn’t make you feel better. The big fancy doctors tell me that you are simply adjusting to being off medication. Simply? Nothing about putting my baby on my bed, closing the door and turning the tv WAY up just to calm myself down was simple. My baby was hurting and it was starting to hurt me. I lost a lot of sleep that week that you came home. I worried. I always worry. Little mister I worry because I love you. I hate to see you hurting.

Slowly you started sleeping through the night again. But there were times that I wondered if life would ever go back to the way it was. Back to when you would laugh and play for hours on end. Back to when you loved to roll around on the ground, and often make it from the couch to the ground. Back to when you would giggle when you found your own hands. Sometimes I wondered if you would be a momma’s boy again. I love that you are a momma’s boy. I love that I can make you feel better. But there were moment that I worried that it wouldn’t be the same.

The time came that I had to go back to work. It was hard. I missed you always. I wanted to be with you constantly. I wanted to see every step of your recovery. I wanted to watch you sleep, and smell your skin. I wanted to be there, be right next to you. I wanted to feel you soft feet kick, kick, kick. I didn’t want to miss a thing. Going back to work that day was like leaving you with your auntie for the first time when I went back to work after having you. Being away for 6 hours makes me miss you more. It makes me want more of you. I want to bundle you up and hold you forever. I want you to tell me stories, and squeal in your high pitch voice that makes me laugh every time, no matter how often you do it. . I love you. I wanted you. I missed you.

Nana came to watch you. It was great having her, no matter how jealous I was that she got to be with you! She loves to watch you. She teaches you lots of bad habits! She holds you lots, and walks you even more....things i wish i could more, but just don't have the time. Nana has recently gotten into hiking and walking, so she whips out the stroller or the Bjorn everyday and you two go on adventures. Once she even strapped you to her chest and hiked up to a gorgeous waterfall. She walks for 3-4 hours with you everyday. I come home and find goodies that she picked up from Harmon's on her outings. I wish I could take you on more adventures. You LOVE being outside.

When you finally were feeling better, momma decided it would be fun for all of our family and friends to join the American Heart Association and recognize little ones like you by walking a 5k. We were told that all of the heart survivors walking only needed to walk 1 lap…that meant people like you! You made it about a quarter of a lap, and then you fell asleep. That walk put you right out! You slept for the remainder of the walk. Daddy had to wake you up to cross the finish line.

After a picnic in the park and few hours of Frisbee golf, we took our little mister home, and we all took a nap on the big bed, as a family. Baby boy, that was a big day. That was the day that it hit momma. I laid there thinking about everything that our family had been through in the short 4 months of your life. Miracles really do happen! It was then that you woke up and we laid in bed, just like we used to. You were as good as new. Your titanium heart was beating at a normal rate, you were eating like a horse again, and you were back to being my little mister. My little mister that pulls my hair, and drools on my clothes. My little mister that makes my house a mess even though he doesn’t walk. My little mister that loves to talk to himself in the mirror. My little mister that loves his momma. That was a big day. I had never experienced a miracle for myself until that day. I knew that they had existed for other people. But that day, laying with you, going a whole day without screams and cried. That day I believed in miracles. You are my miracle. It only took two weeks, two days and a few hours for you to completely recover from an open-heart surgery.

Little mister, you are the one with heart, and I heart you!

Love momma

two week post-surgery check up

dear gage,

your mommy sent me an email today.  she told me some neat things about you and showed me some super neat pictures.  see yourself above?  i especially like the one where you've found your hand and the other showing your awesome tipping-over skills.j

i miss you gage.

i haven't seen you for too long to admit.  soon though.  soon we'll get to hang out.  i hope you'll remember me.

here's a copy of your mommy's email.  i think it's neat that you're getting teeth so you can start eating food that will make your poop smell awesome.  

love,

auntie em

p.s.  gavin said you could have his ollie the octopus rocker for your room.  i think you'll really like it.

The little guy can take a much needed bath again! These sponge baths are not cutting it!!! At his two week check up they took off his bandages. I will make sure to get pics of his teeny tiny scar {posted} soon! The incision is healing perfectly, an his dissolving stiches have almost fully disolved. He had a very long and very thin scar. When i get home from work i will send you of pic of his x-ray too so you can see his device! 

They say he is doing fabulous! They couldn't have imagined a better recovery. He will continue to see a cardiologist, but his next appointment isn't for 3 months! thank goodness! We are getting sick of this place!

He is rolling all over the place again....there have been some instances that he nearly made it off the couch...too close of calls for mommy! He is back to his stubborn self, wanting to do everything the big kids are doing, the only difference is that he vocalizing his wants more than ever. So when he feels let out...you know it! We are excited for the {American Heart Association} walk this weekend! He loves the fresh air!

Sadly he is teething. But on the bright side all the crying is only from teething and not from the pain of his surgery. He is totally off Lortab....which we haven't decided is good or bad, because maybe he needs it for his poor mouth?

Attached are some pics from the other day. Happy as can be!

{p.p.s from auntie: the photo below confused me.  that purple background makes your comb over look like a mohawk!}

xoxo

dear gage

Hi Moore Family,

We just wanted to welcome you home!!! Gage you look amazing! (From what we see in the pictures). I love your vibrant smile, it is so contagious, you are one handsome dude and we sure hope we get to see you around soon. Love you guys.

The Masons

Jen, Coulter, Gav, Afton, Deag and Logan

dear gage

Gage,

Good news, you're healing now. Your "big day" is over and from what I hear you are taking it like a champ. Congrats. Now, I understand that I'm thinking pretty selfishly here, but I'm excited that your heart is healing because I am in the hunt for a running parter...and I'm figuring that in the relatively near future I'll be able to have you signed up for your first race and eager for more. :)

Gage you are an amazing little nephew. You have a special place in my heart. Hearing about your condition before the surgery and the operation you needed now had me in tears and on my knees in fervent prayer. I look back now and after seeing how well you've done through this whole process I realize that if I only had half the faith that you did I would have saved myself from so much of my worry. Gage you are a blessing in all of our lives. With that being said I would like to leave you with one piece of advice:

"You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. ~Leo Aikman"

If that doesn't work for you, then when you're old enough to drive, "if a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, be sure to honk your horn and wave your arms out the window uncontrollably. This should help the car start and send it on it's way".

I Love You Gage,

Aunt Steffy

dear gage

Dear Gage,

What a little trooper you are! Congratulations to you for your spectacular recovery. We love you and are so happy for your Mommy and Daddy and Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and cousins who love you so, so much and are taking such good care of you. What a blessing to have the medical care we do now. Blessings, blessings.

Love,
The Gomez family

dear gage - love momma

Day 5

Gage baby! You are home! Waking up this morning to find you playing with your pet giraffe, wearing an attractive cut off onesie (because you had drooled on your cute jammies), kicking your legs as if you were running, smiling as happy as can be...its almost as if i have you back to your good 'ol self. Some of the best news we have heard yet came from your cute nurse Amy. She tells us that you were a champ all night, so much so, that we get to take you home! The thought alone of having you back home and out of this drab hospital made me squeal! The aquatic theme is entertaining for ‘lil ones, but a bit much for momma. She could use a change right about now!

Getting your vitals checked for the last time, signing the discharge forms, and trying to understand what medications you need to take, all seems to be a blur, and its only been a few hours. Maybe because I was fixated on getting you out of there, maybe because my ADD has become worse than ever lately, whatever the case, lets hope daddy was paying better attention!

When Momma finally got to hold you tight and walk you out of those doors, the pure adrenaline made me a little loopy, its almost like I was on your lortab! I was on a mission, nothing could stop me, I was fixated on the exit sign. The papers were signed, we had gotten the signal, and that's when I stepped up the pace and we hustled out those doors! I even dropped your giraffe on the way!

The moment we stepped out of the huge revolving door, into the crisp cool air, you smiled. You know, the huge kind of smile? The one where you squinch your nose and close your eyes tight. It was bright. Clearly you had been locked in that room far too long! It’s been a long time since your auntie has taken you out in the sun in the big double stroller!

Getting you into your car seat for the first time after surgery was scary. Momma didn’t want her little mister to hurt. That huge buckle right against your broken sternum, Ouch! But you took it like a champ. So much so, you fell asleep for the entire ride home.

When we got home we didn't hesitate to lay you in the middle of the big comfy bed. Has momma told you how comfy this bed is? It felt so good to be back home. We rested that sweet head of your onto your pillow. Did you know you had your own pillow (well two actually!). Mommy and daddy used to have to pillows each. But as always, you get was you want. We figured we could both sacrifice one, so that our baby was as comfy as can be. One for your head, and one to prop up those legs. You sleep better on your pillows than ours. You were in your giraffe jammies. They were crisp white and clean, even smelled good too. It probably wasn't going to last long, but int he moment it all seemed perfect.You smiled lots. Like those huge smiles where we expect a loud laugh, but you are always silent. Momma and daddy laid down on either side. I am hoping you went to sleep fast, because next thing I knew, I was waking up next to two sleeping boys, three hours later!

The lortab makes you sleepy, but I suppose that’s a good thing. Grandma think babies heal faster when they are asleep. So we are going to stick with that logic for now!

Its so nice to have you home. Its scary at times, not being able to pick you up like I used to. I always worry about hurting you. But you reassure me with that big smile that everything is ok momma!

I love you munchkin!

Love, momma

dear gage

Dear Gagemeister,

You are such a cool little dude. I love the way you smile just because we make eye contact. I love when you giggle at something that isn't really that funny. I love when you open your mouth as BIG as you can because you're happy. But you know what I love the most? When you turn up one corner of your mouth into a sly little smile. Every time you do that I figure you must be thinking of some really sneaky thing you are thinking of doing. You goober. You're mother dearest tells me that when I was a baby I used to grab at people's faces just like you do. I like to think that you take after me in that way. And also because you are so cute. 

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late."

Jack Handey wrote that quote, and even though I think its funny, I just want to assure you that I would never do that to you. Because you are too sweet to play a joke on like that. I don't like to see you cry. When you cry it makes me sad, and I just wish I could do something that would make you happy again. I don't think you realized how much I am wrapped around your little finger. Sometimes I can stop you, but lots of times you just want your mommy. She loves you so much. I hope you always remember how much your mommy and daddy love you. Especially when you grow up, become a teenager, and start getting an attitude. Because let's be real, if you take after mom you might have a bit of a rebellious stage.

Now just one more word of advice for when you are older with your own little ones to watch after.

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

-Jack Handey (again)

Love you little Gage-y poo,

Aunt Amanda or Auntie Mana as you know me.

dear gage

Wow!  Gage you look so great!  It was wonderful to knock on your door at home and have your dad and mom answer it with you in your mom's arms just smiling away like nothing had ever been different.  Grandpa and I are grateful that all our prayers have been answered.  You must never forget how much your Heavenly Father loves you.  He will always be there for you and your family.  When things look really bad, you can always pray and find the peace and the strength you need to make it through.  I know this to be true because it has always been true for me.  I know you are going to love this blog where everyone has been able to express their love for you during this ordeal.  Thanks to Auntie Em for settngn it all up.  Also, I will cherish the words of love from all our family and friends to you and your mom and dad.  It has helped to make all our hearts stronger.

Love you so much,
Grandma Linda

3rd stop post surgery ~ HOME!

you're home gage!  mommy sent auntie em an email at 10:46 a.m. saying "packed up and ready to go."  what wonderful news!

the doctors told your dear parents that you did really well over night.  they took the stickers off of your little face, the IV out of your hand and the monitors off of your chest and foot. woo hoo!!!! (that's what mommy said).

doctors say that your sternum is still broken and that you will have pain for the next six weeks but not to worry little man because they sent you home with lots of lortab.

i believe that you are amazing little gage.  please pretend that there were a bunch of balloons and all sorts of goodies from auntie em waiting for you at home because in my perfect world, that would be the truth. i love you so much gage and i'll continue to track your healing here until your mommy catches the blogging bug 100% and tells me to sign off. 

please come visit us soon.  i know grandma is going to come and take good care of you for a little while in the comfort of your own home.  enjoy your time with her but as soon as you're able, come back to me so we can play together with all these toys i've found!

until then. ... i'll be thinking about you.

love,

auntie em

dear gage

Baby Gage,  I am so happy to hear how well you are doing and i hope that you get to go home tomorrow. You are so amazing and strong gage and hope that you know how many people love you. Payton cant wait till she can come play with you i have been showing her your pictures and she points and smiles just like she knows how special you really are! Im sure She cant wait till she can play with you again. We all love you and are so glad to see that you are smiling again.  See you soon baby Gage!  Love Kerrisa,  Payton and Jordan :)

dear gage

Hey buddy,

I know…I’m a little late. Typical for your dad to say something after things have turn out as good as possible. But you will learn with time that your daddy isn’t as good at expressing his feelings like your mommy is. But I just wanted to tell my best friend how much I love him; you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me! When we found out that you would have to have surgery your mom was a mess. Can’t blame her.

She didn’t know how I felt. I think it made her question how much I cared, because I was not crying. If only she was there in those car rides. Those car rides when I thought what life would be like without you. I cried like a little boy. I do love you, even though you take up my side of the big bed. I do love you, even when you force me to lay on my side just to fit on the bed.  I might not be good with words, but I hope I will always be able to show you how much I love you.

I loved today, seeing you smile again, seeing you grab my beard and try to rip it off again. These things showed me that you were back. My best friend was back. Soon again we’ll be terrorizing your mom again.

Love your daddy

dear gage ~ love momma

Little mister. It was so nice to see you like yourself again. All the nurses LOVE you. Who wouldn’t love you? Maybe Momma is biased, but I think you are as perfect as it gets! Momma overheard the nurses fighting over who got to watch over the "mellow" baby! That’s you my precious little man (for now anyways)! You have a way of winning over the ladies hearts…it’s something that I know I will have to worry about in the future. But, for now, keep on flirting!

You grabbed and scratched our faces. You smiled and laughed. We even got you talking with your hoarse little voice. It’s nice to have my baby back!

I spent a lot of time thinking of a way that I could say goodnight a little differently and yet make it special. I have never been one to sing. I don’t know any lullabuys. But momma would do anything to make her little mister smile. I knew this would be the perfect way to express the way I feel, say goodnight, and bring a smile to your face. It’s the only way to end an evening with you when saying goodnight, which is sometimes so difficult to do.

Close your eyes my pet, I will sing for you,

it's a lullaby I never knew,

in this world you know, some things must come and go,

but my world is all in loving you.

It's a simple song, and it's words are true,

and I'll do the best that I can do,

as I write this song, how can the words be wrong,

when they're all about my loving you?

You've got Mommy's eyes, and now I realize

God has blessed my world with loving you,

you've got Daddy's nose, a joke I suppose,

but it's still, what makes up you.

As you close your eyes, here's a prayer or two,

While you sleep I will be here for you.

Things might come and go, but this you'll always know,

Mommy’s lullaby is just for you.

N'night little mister. Love,

Momma

dear gage

Dear Sweet Baby Gage

Wow, from the pictures your Autie Em has posted and Daddy has posted you are looking more and more like yourself again. Those beautiful bright eyes light up the whole page!
We are so happy that you are on the mend and will be home soon!!

Love Aunt Connie and Uncle Larry

sunday morning! ~ post surgery day three

mommy says your white blood cell count is down and your incisions look great!

the dr.'s made the rounds today and decided to keep you on the antibiotics until the end of the day and they say your discharge will most likely be tomorrow! 

they removed your oxygen tubes but once you were given your pain meds and fell asleep, your oxygen levels dropped so they started the oxygen again.  you still can't stand these tubes but mommy says you're super smiley today.  

she says you're grabbing at their faces and still trying to figure out what the IV is in your hand, it's confusing you as you're unable to grab anything with that hand.

you're quite the fighter!! 

xoxoxo

dear gage

Dearest Gage:

We were so excited when we heard you were going to come into our lives.  You were so handsome when you were born and your mommy and daddy loved you from the moment they set eyes on you.  You were the only baby who has not cried when held by your Uncle Jason.  Our hearts were heavy when we learned you needed surgery for your little heart.  Aunt Dana's niece had a similar surgery as a Baby and has recovered perfectly.  We are so glad most of the wires are out now, because when we saw you a few days ago there were a lot!  The morphine had you sedated, so you never realized we were there... but we were :).  There are so many people (including us) who love you, and are praying for your recovery.  You are in our hearts and prayers always, and we know you will come through this trial as a champion.... And beat all of your Daddy's long standing wrestling records at Brighton.  We love you!  We will see you soon.

*Uncle Jason and Aunt Dana

dear gage

Dear Gage,

Even though we've only met you once or twice, we want you to know that we're thinking of you and hoping for a flawless and swift recovery.

You have two amazing parents and a wonderful family to help you along the way. 

Good Luck Little Man!

Love,

Travis and Lindsay Tripp

dear gage ~ love momma

DAY 3

Little mister, my sweet baby boy. I can’t get over your comb over. Your old man comb over that ALL the nurses talk about. You were born with the thick dark hair. And with time all that luscious hair started to fade. It started fading in the middle of the back of your head and slowly moved its way to the front, until you were only left with your comb over. Your irresistible little comb over, that makes me want nuzzle my nose in your neck just looking at it. Momma had the pleasure to wake up to her little mister’s perfectly combed old man comb over. Today couldn’t have started any better!

Today has been the best day yet. Family and friends came by, and you politely opened your eyes for every single visitor. As each of them left, you laid your sweet head down to sleep soundly once again.

Your sweet cousins brought by a gift for you. A sweet and soft giraffe to cuddle with. You LOVE this giraffe! Your sweet hands can’t help but caress the giraffe’s soft fur. You nuzzle your face into it as you sleep. I like to imagine when you fall asleep with him, you dream adventurous boy dreams in jungles. I like to think you are doing heroic boy things. You are the hero. You are my hero.

Momma got to hold her little mister lots today! I am trying to take in every second, not minute, but every teeny tiny second. I don’t ever want to forget your smell. I don’t ever want to forget how you smile with your eyes. I don’t ever want to forget how you twitch when you eat. I want to hold you forever. I hold you while you eat, I hold you while you sleep. Today I even held you while they took all your vitals. I like to think you are a part of me. Almost, like we are attached at the hip. Do you remember at home how you would dangle your legs as I tossed you to-and-fro on my hip? I would clean house, make dinner, do laundry, all while you sat perfectly in the nook between my arm and my hip. I can’t hold my little mister in my nook right now. Even better I get to hold you closer, snuggle more. I get to wrap both arms around you, all day every day. You’re my favorite little mister.

Today you have been more awake than ever. You are grabbing at everything you can get your hands on. You HATE your oxygen tubes. When I am not looking, you smoothly glide your fist across your face and wipe those tubes right out. I put them back in, you smile. And when I am not looking, you do it again. I can’t be mad, I find it adorable.

You are smiling more today. You even smiled in your sleep today. I love your smile. You have several smiles. Good morning Momma, smile. Momma I’m a total mess and you get to clean it up, smile. And my favorite, Momma I was naughty and you caught me smile! I have got to be the luckiest momma to have such a smiley little mister.

The big fancy doctors say that if you keep doing as well as you are doing, you might get to come home as early as tomorrow or Monday. I look forward to the day that we can lay on the “big bed” and talk. I look forward to you stroking my face, grabbing my lip, rolling from side to side. I look forward to our naps together. I miss your naps together in the big bed. Little mister, we will be on the big bed soon!

love,

momma

dear gage

Dear Gage,

My daddy says that you have a ventricular septal defect, he uses some other big Dr. words that mommy and I don't know.  Mommy says that it means you have a broken heart.  We love you and so we have been praying for you and your heart.  Mommy and Daddy told me that Heavenly Father hears our prayers and will answer them.  Remember it wasn't too long ago that we were with him and he told us the same thing.  Mommy said that you had surgery on Thursday and that the Dr.'s were able to fix your heart.  I am so glad that our prayers were answered.  I hope that you keep getting stronger so we can play.  I love you and will keep praying for you.  

Love,

Cousin James

PS - I saw that sweet football in one of your pictures......LUCKY!

@1:30 p.m. post surgery day two

it was so good to see you today gage.  so good, it was hard to leave.  you were alert by the time we needed to say goodbye.  maybe a bit groggy but, there was definitely a light in your eyes.  and guess what gage?  you pooped!! this was an exciting noise coming from your tiny body.  i know, gross, but seriously such progress in the right direction.

what else?  after your blood draw they decided to start another IV so you could receive some antibiotics as a safety precaution.  your white blood count was just a bit higher than they like to see so, they want to be careful about infection.  you also have a much smaller bandaid over your incision rather than that large patch of gauze.  and ... a sock on your hand! you were perplexed by this.  staring at the sock, trying to grab at it.  mommy said you were scratching your face all up with the IV tape so they put a sock on your little hand.

you're so sweet little buddy.  we brought your cousins up to see you today.  they wanted to hold your hand and make sure you are okay.  you did not disappoint.

as we were leaving your aunt amanda stopped by.  more visitors who love you.

talk to you soon buddy.

xoxoxo

dear gage

dear gage,

is your heart ok?

i miss your smile.

i hope you come home soon.

you are awesome and cool!

i miss you so much i draw pictures of you.

love your cousin

cayden

@9:23 a.m. post surgery day two

they've pulled your chest tube and pacer wires out.  yeah and hooray!

mommy says you are still on morphine which makes you really loopy.  but, you're doing great and loopy means less pain so, we'll take it!

thinking about you. happy healing.  here's to day two!

second stop post surgery ~ CSU

you've moved up a floor gage.  this is big news.

around lunchtime today the nurses were happy with how well you were eating and the dr.'s were impressed with how quickly it seems you'll be able to go without the oxygen tubes in your nose.  after seeing you tonight, i've decided the tubes are annoying you.  they would annoy me too.  

earlier this afternoon your mommy said you got a hold of your chest tube and pulled on it very hard.  she said it hurt you really bad and at this point, you were so upset, the nurses let mommy hold you with the hopes that it might calm you down.  they gave you a hit of morphine then too which was something they'd been trying to avoid doing.  they started to reconsider letting you out of the NICU but then around 4:30 you were released and moved up to your own private and much larger room.

these photos aren't the funnest to see.  you're sad.  but, they're part of the reality of today's events.  you were sad at this moment after yanking on your chest tube and mommy was trying to help you relax.  

she wrote to you about this moment:

My dear sweet little mister, momma has been through a roller coaster today! Just about killed me. I am taking Nyquil (suggested by your auntie) just to sleep at night. You were doing so great. Recovery was happening so perfectly. I shouldn’t have expected anything less. You are perfect.

I went to visit you in the ICU right after lunch. Great Grandpa Wright wanted to say hi. He is 92. He told me once that he was ok with dying, he had lived a good life. Then daddy got the courage to ask momma to get married. Great Grandpa Wright said he was going to do everything to stay alive to see me handed away at my wedding. After the wedding, he mentioned it again, he had lived a good life. When Momma had found out her little mister was on his way, Great Grandpa Wright did it again. He had another reason to keep living. He got to see your sweet face. You are a special boy. You are the reason for a lot of people to keep living! You are strong, I mean who wouldn’t be with titanium in their heart!

That’s why it was so hard to see you today. You are my special little mister. And today momma watched you use your little hands and tug at your chest tube (the tube that drains all the yucky liquids from your heart). Pain came all over your face. Your eyes started to swell. Your weeps turned to cries. You hurt. Your voice was hoarse from the ventilating tube down your throat the day before. Your cries were faint, but the pain in your face spoke for itself. It was 2:48pm, they finally let me hold you. Let me hold you in hopes that I could ease your pain. The nurse rested your sweet head into the nook of my arm. I did everything to love you right then and there like I had many times before. Except, today was different. Momma love didn’t seem to be enough

That broke my heart.

The thought that I couldn’t make you feel better. I wasn’t being a good enough momma. I had failed you. You finally needed me after all this time in the hospital, and I couldn’t step up and help you! The nice nurse scrambled around and found some morphine.

2:56pm

8 minutes.

That’s all it took. That’s all it took for me to fall apart. It was the longest 8 minutes I have experienced up to this point in my life. I hate to see my little mister hurt like this. It hurts me. I know I supposed to be the strong one. I know, I’m the momma. I know, you are supposed to look to me for support, love and strength.

I’m sorry!

That shot of morphine calmed you down immediately. Your weeps became faint. My body relaxed. It relaxed until I looked into your eyes. Your eyes were empty. You were looking at me but you didn’t see me. I know you weren’t feeling pain, but seeing you look like that scared momma.

A tear fell.

My little mister was in my arms, but he wasn’t his happy smiling self.

I held you until you fell asleep. Nurses told me that you were well enough to leave the ICU, but having to give you the morphine made them reconsider letting you go tonight. I continued to hold your hand. Several visitors came, and not once was I going to let go of your sweet little hand. Your hand that had been poked and bruised over and over. I was going to make you feel better. I was determined. I sat there through nurse after nurse as they examined you. You are my favorite little mister!

4:36pm

It took me a minute to realize what was going on. A man came to your beside and started packing all of your wires up. He organized your bed. Glanced at me, and nodded. It was time to leave the ICU. You did it! Whatever “it” is. The nurses felt confident that you were doing well and could leave that dark ICU. Little mister, you were on your way to having your own room. My chest has never felt so light. I took a breath like it was it was for the first time in a long time. It felt so good to breathe again

your mommy and daddy are tired gage but, they're strong.  just like you are.

you've had more visitors today and an amazing outpouring of love and support from all over the world.  we're doing our best to keep up with all of the thoughtful gestures being received by others and soon we'll post some photos of you with your visitors.

uncle jake and i came up around dinner time.  this new floor is much nicer gage.  you're hanging out in section "n" which i imagine stands for "noble." walking the halls can best be described as an aquatic experience.  it's a nice change for you, i'm sure and i'm glad.

when we arrived you were sleeping soundly.  you looked sweet and peaceful in your own comfy pj's.  the mobile above your head turns and plays music. classical, lullaby, white noise and something else.  i forget.  at some point you wake up and you look at me.  i think you know who i am and i feel like you're waiting for me to pick you up but i can't.  i don't like that feeling.  

we talked and you held my hand.

you make faces like you might start to cry.  this makes your uncle jake uncomfortable.   like the rest of us, he doesn't like to feel helpless yet, that is exactly what we all are.  i hope it is enough for you to know that at any given moment, if we could, each and every one of us would take your place.

once you fell back to sleep we decided to run and grab your dear parents a snack.  when we returned, you were sad gage.  you were hurting and it was disheartening to see.  the nurses couldn't move fast enough for any of our expectations.   once one of them returned with something to ease your discomfort she made it clear that it was "nasty tasting" stuff.  your mommy was ready to chase it down with your bottle but you took it like a champ.  i stood there watching quietly as this nurse worked magic with her light touch to your brow putting you back into a soft slumber once again.  there have been a few moments over the last two days when i've seen how blessed we really are to have access to these amazing people who spend the better part of their lives working magic and caring selflessly for others.  these amazing people give babies like you a second chance at a long and healthy life.  even though it was really tough to watch you hurting, i feel at ease knowing that we can trust this process and sleep well tonight knowing you're in very good hands.

sweet slumber little mister.

xoxoxo

dear gage ~ love momma

 Day 2

I will be completely honest, the first time I saw you after surgery you were so naked. I don’t mean the literal translation of the word. I mean naked, like you were missing something. All the IVs and chest tubes and wires had stripped you of your comfort. All the fluids and morphine had stripped you of your cute personality. You were naked. You would wake up only to cry and immediately fall asleep. You were in pain. It hurt to watch. It was clear that you didn’t know where you were or what had just happened.

For one brief moment, a split second, you opened your eyes and curled one side of your mouth as you stared me in the eyes. That second, that teeny tiny second lasted a lifetime. You saw me. You loved me. You re-assured me that everything was ok Momma. You said everything you needed to say in that little curl of a smile. It was perfect.

Those big fancy doctors seem concerned at how pale you look, your dad and I laugh, you have always been pasty! But then again we are pasty. Sorry little buddy, you got that from us! Unfortunately you were too pasty for the doctors to just let it go. They started your blood transfusion. They pumped blood into your tiny little neck. Good news, you have O+ blood just like your momma! Your grandpa says you get it from him (we will argue about that later), and you’re lucky. He chooses to believe that O+ blood is a naturally occurring steroid. It must be, after all grandpa and you are both so big and tough!

A nurse was concerned that you were grunting a lot. We tried to explain that you ALWAYS grunt. I can distinctly remember when you were born you cried for five minutes straight on that examining table, and the moment they put you in my arms you were calm. There I was. I was holding you tight again. From that point forward until you were nearly two and a half months, you never cried again, you simply grunted. Your way of communicating was grunting! It always has been. If you were hungry, you grunted. If you were tired you grunted. If you were dreaming, you would grunt. My favorite grunt of all is when you were pooping (must be a mom thing, but I LOVE IT). You would be as quiet as can be, and from across the house I could hear a ferocious little grunt coming out of my tiny little mister. I would come running, positive that you pushed so hard that I would find a huge mess, or my couch destroyed. But every time, I was wrong. It was never a mess. You just loved to grunt!

Through the night they attempted to give you a pacifier to ease your pain and discomfort. You wouldn’t have it. They tried and tried, but every time it went in, you simply would push it out. It was hours later that they discovered “your” binky. They attempted for one last time to give you “your” binky. And you loved it. You have always been stubborn. You know exactly what you want, just like me! It’s the one thing I can honestly say you got from me. You are your daddy’s little boy. You always get what you want (we can’t help it!) When mommy is eating, you want to eat. When daddy is playing with the ipod you want to play. When daddy tries to give you the blackberry instead, you look at it, throw it, and go straight for the ipod again. You always know what you want! And you wanted “your” binky.

I got a call this morning that you had started eating normal food, and by normal food I mean formula. Its not normal by any means to me, it stinks! I can’t stand the smell! But it makes you happy. They say you are a good eater, and then they re-emphasized that you are a VERY GOOD eater! Again you take after your daddy! You have always had a way of getting my food when I was not looking. Just the other day we were eating spaghetti. The moment I looked away you managed to shove your entire teeny fist into my spaghetti sauce and rub it around. When I caught you, it was too late! You had mushed that saucy little hand all over your precious little face! You love being with us, and doing what we are doing. You love big kid food. But mommy isn’t quite ready to let go of the bad smelling formula and let you eat what I am eating. I am not ready for you to sit anywhere other than in my arms to eat. Mommy isn’t ready for you to try and hold your own bottle. So much of you wants to grow up, but I want you to stay my perfect little mister. I don’t want to put away any more clothes. I don’t want you to you grow up, not yet. I need you to stay my cuddly little mister for now, ‘til I am ready for you to move on!

The doctors say you are doing great. Your recovery has been so smooth. It’s good to know you are in good hands. You woke up crying as you saw nurse Cindy. I would have cried too if I was as tiny as you. She is a 6’3 woman with blonde hair and glasses. To you she must have been a giant. But, little mister, she is as sweet as can be. She will take care of you when I step away. I will be back, I will always come back. You need to remember that this is just like nap time, its scary at first, but I always come and rescue you from those nightmares. So sleep tight when I am gone and dream sweet dreams.

love,

your momma

dear gage

Dear Gage,


We just wanted to wish you well and let you and your family know that
we are thinking about you and praying for you.  You are quite the
little trooper, from what we read on your blog.  You have a strong
spirit and I wonder if you and Logan played together in
Heaven:)....get better soon, you sweet little guy..


Why God Made Little Boys

God made a world out of his dreams...

Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,
Prairies and plains and wooded land.
Then paused and thought, "I need someone to stand.
On top of the mountains, to conquer the seas,
Explore the plains and climb the trees.
Someone to start out small and grow.
Sturdy and strong like a tree" and so
He created boys, full of spirit and fun
To explore and conquer, to romp and run
With dirty faces, and banged up chins
With courageous hearts and boyish grins.
And when He had completed the task He'd begun,
He surely said, "That's a job well done."

Author unknown

Much love,
The Masons (Jen, Coulter, Gav, Afton, Deag, and Logan)