second stop post surgery ~ CSU

you've moved up a floor gage.  this is big news.

around lunchtime today the nurses were happy with how well you were eating and the dr.'s were impressed with how quickly it seems you'll be able to go without the oxygen tubes in your nose.  after seeing you tonight, i've decided the tubes are annoying you.  they would annoy me too.  

earlier this afternoon your mommy said you got a hold of your chest tube and pulled on it very hard.  she said it hurt you really bad and at this point, you were so upset, the nurses let mommy hold you with the hopes that it might calm you down.  they gave you a hit of morphine then too which was something they'd been trying to avoid doing.  they started to reconsider letting you out of the NICU but then around 4:30 you were released and moved up to your own private and much larger room.

these photos aren't the funnest to see.  you're sad.  but, they're part of the reality of today's events.  you were sad at this moment after yanking on your chest tube and mommy was trying to help you relax.  

she wrote to you about this moment:

My dear sweet little mister, momma has been through a roller coaster today! Just about killed me. I am taking Nyquil (suggested by your auntie) just to sleep at night. You were doing so great. Recovery was happening so perfectly. I shouldn’t have expected anything less. You are perfect.

I went to visit you in the ICU right after lunch. Great Grandpa Wright wanted to say hi. He is 92. He told me once that he was ok with dying, he had lived a good life. Then daddy got the courage to ask momma to get married. Great Grandpa Wright said he was going to do everything to stay alive to see me handed away at my wedding. After the wedding, he mentioned it again, he had lived a good life. When Momma had found out her little mister was on his way, Great Grandpa Wright did it again. He had another reason to keep living. He got to see your sweet face. You are a special boy. You are the reason for a lot of people to keep living! You are strong, I mean who wouldn’t be with titanium in their heart!

That’s why it was so hard to see you today. You are my special little mister. And today momma watched you use your little hands and tug at your chest tube (the tube that drains all the yucky liquids from your heart). Pain came all over your face. Your eyes started to swell. Your weeps turned to cries. You hurt. Your voice was hoarse from the ventilating tube down your throat the day before. Your cries were faint, but the pain in your face spoke for itself. It was 2:48pm, they finally let me hold you. Let me hold you in hopes that I could ease your pain. The nurse rested your sweet head into the nook of my arm. I did everything to love you right then and there like I had many times before. Except, today was different. Momma love didn’t seem to be enough

That broke my heart.

The thought that I couldn’t make you feel better. I wasn’t being a good enough momma. I had failed you. You finally needed me after all this time in the hospital, and I couldn’t step up and help you! The nice nurse scrambled around and found some morphine.

2:56pm

8 minutes.

That’s all it took. That’s all it took for me to fall apart. It was the longest 8 minutes I have experienced up to this point in my life. I hate to see my little mister hurt like this. It hurts me. I know I supposed to be the strong one. I know, I’m the momma. I know, you are supposed to look to me for support, love and strength.

I’m sorry!

That shot of morphine calmed you down immediately. Your weeps became faint. My body relaxed. It relaxed until I looked into your eyes. Your eyes were empty. You were looking at me but you didn’t see me. I know you weren’t feeling pain, but seeing you look like that scared momma.

A tear fell.

My little mister was in my arms, but he wasn’t his happy smiling self.

I held you until you fell asleep. Nurses told me that you were well enough to leave the ICU, but having to give you the morphine made them reconsider letting you go tonight. I continued to hold your hand. Several visitors came, and not once was I going to let go of your sweet little hand. Your hand that had been poked and bruised over and over. I was going to make you feel better. I was determined. I sat there through nurse after nurse as they examined you. You are my favorite little mister!

4:36pm

It took me a minute to realize what was going on. A man came to your beside and started packing all of your wires up. He organized your bed. Glanced at me, and nodded. It was time to leave the ICU. You did it! Whatever “it” is. The nurses felt confident that you were doing well and could leave that dark ICU. Little mister, you were on your way to having your own room. My chest has never felt so light. I took a breath like it was it was for the first time in a long time. It felt so good to breathe again

your mommy and daddy are tired gage but, they're strong.  just like you are.

you've had more visitors today and an amazing outpouring of love and support from all over the world.  we're doing our best to keep up with all of the thoughtful gestures being received by others and soon we'll post some photos of you with your visitors.

uncle jake and i came up around dinner time.  this new floor is much nicer gage.  you're hanging out in section "n" which i imagine stands for "noble." walking the halls can best be described as an aquatic experience.  it's a nice change for you, i'm sure and i'm glad.

when we arrived you were sleeping soundly.  you looked sweet and peaceful in your own comfy pj's.  the mobile above your head turns and plays music. classical, lullaby, white noise and something else.  i forget.  at some point you wake up and you look at me.  i think you know who i am and i feel like you're waiting for me to pick you up but i can't.  i don't like that feeling.  

we talked and you held my hand.

you make faces like you might start to cry.  this makes your uncle jake uncomfortable.   like the rest of us, he doesn't like to feel helpless yet, that is exactly what we all are.  i hope it is enough for you to know that at any given moment, if we could, each and every one of us would take your place.

once you fell back to sleep we decided to run and grab your dear parents a snack.  when we returned, you were sad gage.  you were hurting and it was disheartening to see.  the nurses couldn't move fast enough for any of our expectations.   once one of them returned with something to ease your discomfort she made it clear that it was "nasty tasting" stuff.  your mommy was ready to chase it down with your bottle but you took it like a champ.  i stood there watching quietly as this nurse worked magic with her light touch to your brow putting you back into a soft slumber once again.  there have been a few moments over the last two days when i've seen how blessed we really are to have access to these amazing people who spend the better part of their lives working magic and caring selflessly for others.  these amazing people give babies like you a second chance at a long and healthy life.  even though it was really tough to watch you hurting, i feel at ease knowing that we can trust this process and sleep well tonight knowing you're in very good hands.

sweet slumber little mister.

xoxoxo